so last night I went to sleep at 4 in the morning because i was fixing my blog. this morning I get woken up at 8 to be told that everyone is leaving to go to my brothers lacrosse game that they would be home in a few hours. I went back to sleep and woke up a few hours later and forgot to do my homework. my dad is the lacrosse team’s coach and they lost. he comes home in his pissy pms mood like he always does with his fucking balls in a knot and decides to ask if i did homework today. i told him i didnt do too much of it and he absolutely lost it. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDNT DO HOMEWORK TODAY? YOU’RE FAILING CLASSES, MAYBE THIS IS WHY YOU FAIL ALL THE TIME. MAYBE IF YOU WORKED HARDER IN SCHOOL YOU WOULD BE BETTER AT SPORTS?!” i was just like i was sleeping all day. he’s like “OH YOU WERE SLEEPING IS IT?” im like yeah. and i walked downstairs and did science homework. my mom comes downstairs and i tell her that i’m not failing classes, that i’m not as much as a fucking failure that he makes me feel like I am. she then starts yelling at me that i am failing classes and that shes gonna fucking hit me and shit and im just thinking ‘yeah go ahead, fucking hit me. SEE HOW FUCKING FAR IT GETS YOU TO HIT ME YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. I WILL CALL CHILD SERVICES ON YOU AND YOUR FUCKING TERRIBLE HUSBAND.’ I am not in fact failing any of my classes, maybe if they gave a shit and tried to see how everything is going then maybe they would have a fucking clue. I used to be failing Italian with a 52 average. I made up every single missing homework for the year, got full credit and am barely passing with a 65 average. she has the nerve to tell me then that i’m failing because i dont try enough. IF EACH HOMEWORK COUNTS AS A FUCKING QUIZ AND I HAVE A 95 HOMEWORK AVERAGE, HOW AM I NOT FUCKING TRYING. SPEND SOME MONEY ON ME AND GET A FUCKING TUTOR IF IT BOTHERS YOU THAT MUCH AND STOP SPOILING YOUR JESUS CHILD WHO YOU LOVE BECAUSE HE’S GOOD AT SPORTS AND ALL I CAN DO IS TRY, AND STOP SPOILING YOUR DAUGHTER WHO DOES NOTHING BUT BITCH AND CRY ALL DAY. Maybe if they got to know me they would know that I used to have a bad problem with self harm and bullying in school. maybe then they would know about the months i was considering commiting suicide and quietly crying to myself in my room alone. Maybe if they actually tried to hold a conversation, instead of barking orders at me and bitching they would know that im borderline self harm again, that the only thing feeding the cutting urges is 2 rubberbands and my girlfriend. maybe if they knew she was keeping me alive and home they would let her and I see eachother more often. I sometimes contemplate running away to show them that i’m not a fucking retard that i can handle myself in the world that im not a failure.
